Surrender to the Rock Series - Post #1 - Too Far Gone?

I am a recovering alcoholic. My last drink was August 17th, 2020.  I am an active member of a local 12 step program (which would prefer to remain anonymous 😎). Something the average joe doesn't know about the 12 step process is that.... it's not really about quitting the substance. It's about clearing away all the layers of bullshit I have strapped on as armor my entire life so that I could feel safe and survive.... at least according to my ego. The substance was just my solution to the real problem. The issue is that all those protective layers meant to protect me ended up slowly destroying me. Destroying my body, destroying my mind, destroying my connections and relationships, destroying any sense of something bigger and more important than myself. This creates quite the conflict when you want to cease the behaviors that are killing you but your mind and body are screaming at you "This is the only relief you have.... if you stop, then your life will be miserable and not worth living, aka, you will no longer be safe and you will die."

What kept me going in those early days is...

A.) I don't have to do everything all at once. I don't even have to 'fix' anything.  The first step is simply to give up. To surrender.  "I can't keep doing this. I'm desperate enough to try anything different that the path I am on."

B.) I am not alone in this situation.

One thing that really helped and continues to help me with B is music.  In this series "Surrender to the Rock" I will discuss one song at a time.  What the song means to me, the point I believe it is trying to convey, and the stuff I love about the song musically.  

I was struggling a little with what song to start with.  I thought about making a list of all the songs I want to cover but one song kept raising its hand saying "pick me pick me!".  So, alright, you win, lil' buddy, you get to be first........

James Hetfield - St Louis concert with my dear friend Alan, NOV 2023

Artist: Metallica

Song: Too Far Gone?

Album: 72 Seasons (2023)

James Hetfield is the vocalist, lyricist and guitarist for a band you may have heard of, Metallica. You gotta say it like... MUH-TALLICA.  Ok, now that you are educated..

In the early days of Metallica, James' lyrics were about partying, then about death, then about war, some more death, a leper messiah, and a sprinkling of politics.  The last song on their fourth album And Justice For All in 1988 is the first obviously personal song; writing about struggles from his childhood.  See: Dyers Eve lyric video below and also linked to the song title.

This whole song is a thrasher, for sure, but one of my favorite sections is at the 4:23 mark when the heavy gets heavier. 💪 Lyrically its pretty intense stuff.  James' parents were of the Christian Science religion and were both overbearing and strict while ignoring or squashing any real inspiration that the spirt/God/creator gifted James.  At least that's what I gather from the lyrics.  I share this song to provide some background on James' lyric writing and also background on some childhood trauma that can help lead folks to find an escape route.  An escape that is available thru drugs and alcohol.  

James was a drinker and liked to have a good time.  He never missed any shows... never got into 'hard' drugs.  To the outside world he was holding everything together and maintaining just fine.  (Sounds familiar to me!).  Around 2002ish his lifestyle started to catch up to him and he entered rehab for the first time.  He went to rehab again in 2019, even cancelling a world tour (and probably millions of dollars), choosing his well-being over money.  NOICE! 

In April 2023, Metallica released the album 72 Seasons.  I won't go too far into detail about the entire album as I will likely dedicate another post solely to covering it.. but I will say the lyrics on this album are the most honest and personal of James' career.  This post is about one song on the 72 Seasons album, Too Far Gone?.

This song is about that hopelessness that is overwhelming when you are addicted to a substance. The thought of stopping forever seems impossible.  There were many times I would try to quit drinking on my own.  I would make it a few days (if that) and go right back. I felt like it was too late.  I was too far gone.  The best I could hope for was to try to control it and manage it while it slowly took everything away from me. Looking back I see I HAD TO get to that level of hopelessness and despair in order to give up... to surrender and be willing to try something, anything, different.  To do the hardest thing... to ask for help.  And it IS the hardest thing.  Many people reach that fork in the road, at their most hopeless, and they surrender in one of two ways. 1. Surrender to giving up control and ask for help in a meeting.... or 2. surrender and give up thinking that things will never get better and there is no escape and then to check out, permanently. Choosing death over asking for help. Now, don't get me wrong, at the time the choice is not obvious at all. The addiction is brilliant at downplaying the level at which it is affecting your life. It's the disease of "I'm not that bad."  This song gives a brief look into that mindset and it ends with light at the end of that tunnel. You don't have to stop forever... its just for today.  Tomorrow is just another today so don't concern yourself with tomorrow.  This is just for today. 

Lyrics:

I, I am desperation
Need it so bad today
I, I am isolation static and disarray
Need this, gotta have more
Crawling out my skin
Sickness, scarring returns
Burning me again
Too far gone
Am I too far gone?
Am I too far gone to save?
Help me make it through the day no
I, I am tribulation
Digging down to the bone
I, I am agitation
Never leaves me alone
Keep on pushing along
Don't wanna feel this
Sink in, start to believe
That I don't exist
Too far gone
Am I too far gone?
Am I too far gone to save?
Help me make it through the day oh
All away, I am desperation
All away, I am isolation
All away, I am agitation
All away
Too far gone
Never too far gone
I'm never too far gone to save
I can make it through the day
Make it through the day
Just for today

Highlights

0:21 - Breaks from the intro riff to the chorus/main riff

0:47 - "I, I, AAAMMM  desperation need it so bad today".  Listen to the riff on the verses.  Took me a few listens to notice this.  It kicks  major booty.

1:19 - Chorus "Am I too far gone to save? Help me make it thru the day." Great melodic hook and speedy chugging guitar.

1:39 - You think they are going back into the verse but, nope.  Frantic guitar solo ;0)

1:59 - Probably my favorite lyric in the song, until the end that is. "Keep on pushing along, don't want to feel thissssss-ah".  Almost four and a half years into sobriety I am still trying to get used to feeling my emotions.  It is rarely comfortable.

2:30 - Harmonized guitar leads!!  Oh sweet audible nectar!!! 

3:11 - Guitar solo #2

4:00 - We get the answer to the question "Am I too far gone to save?" - Never too far gone to save. I can make it thru the day.  but.....  

4:10 - (super chuggy riffage!) .....  JUST FOR TODAY